Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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