I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
