I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
