I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
