im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
