I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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