i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
