The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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