She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
