So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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