You're my little dorito
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
