I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil