i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
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dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.