I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
