God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
