Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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