Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Who died my cat blue again?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
