I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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