They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
