He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
