if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
