i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
