I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
