I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
