while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
