Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
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I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
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Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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