the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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