my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
