Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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