it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
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We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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