i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
