You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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