Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
