im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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