Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
