my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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