The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
