Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
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It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
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I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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