Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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