is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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