When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
