i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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