He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
