Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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