I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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