I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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