Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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