if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
