Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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