I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
