I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
