if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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