we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i out mim tonsoeep
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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