He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
