She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
