Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
