all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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