WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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