i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
