U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
